Intro
During the last several months I have found myself focussing on a number of different topics. Usually these topics involve pieces of me that no longer serve me in a positive way; parts of me I am working through and want to let go. I had initially wanted to call this blog ‘Letting Shit Go’ to encompass my self growth since turning 30. It seems all I am doing is unpacking all the items that have been jammed into my hypothetical suitcase and Marie Kondo’ing the shit outta it. “Does this particular belief bring me joy?” I hold it close for a moment and if it gives me the icky feelings it’s time to toss that shit out. There is no recycling or thrift storing… I am trying my hardest not to put it out on the rug so my kids can pick it up and toss it in their suitcases… I am trying to let some shit go.
Comparison has been one of those things I’ve been holding closely. I’ve been trying to figure out my relationship with. Does it serve me in a positive way?
My answer is…. no. And I invite you to take in this topic and see where you land.
I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 major forms of comparison in our lives. Comparing to those who appear ‘better than’ us; comparing to those who appear ‘less then’ us; and finally comparing ourselves to our past or future self. Please note that I use the words ‘appear’, because when we get caught up in comparison we make up an artificial story about who we are comparing to. What we see is never the full story. Chances are that many people you hold in the ‘better then me’ category, may hold you in the same category for different reasons.
I have also come to believe all forms of comparison lead to a similar result- a feeling of inadequacy; a feeling of unworthiness; a feeling of ‘never enough’.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Theodore Roosevelt
‘Better then me’ Comparing
Comparing ourselves to others can affect us in different ways. We can compare to those who appear to have more, be more and do more. By default, when we put someone up on this pedestal, we become someone who has less, is less and does less; making us feel small and unworthy. In some instances this kind of comparison can inspire and motivate. But more often, the voice in our head leads us to feel and reflect negatively toward ourselves.
These experiences have been magnified over the years through Social Media use. Once upon a time, we would compare ourselves to our neighbours, friends, coworkers and family members. This group would likely max out at let’s say, 50 or so people. Now, through social media, we have access to hundreds and thousands of profiles. We pick and choose people to follow. We see their ‘updates’, their profile pics, their status’s. We see who they follow, what they’ve liked, which friends and hobbies we have in common. We now have access to a refined virtual profile of hundreds if not thousands more people then ‘back in the day.’ Our brains are simply not built to take in all this social comparison. Our evolution has not caught up to this technological advancement. On a slight side note, I highly encourage you to watch ‘The Social Dilemma’ now streaming on Netflix. It digs into this a bit. We could also get into the intense negative mental health side effects… but I’ll leave that for a different post (or check out my post on my own ‘social media detox’).
‘Less then me’ Comparing
We can compare to those who appear to have less, be less, do less then us. Thereby, artificially and momentarily elevating us. We inflate our ego. We feel better about our current situation. We sigh out in relief “at least I’m not that guy.”
This will make us feel just a little bit more worthy, successful, and ‘more’ then. Unless you are a narcissist, the feeling of ‘better then’ may not last long before you start comparing yourself to someone you view to be “better” or “more” then yourself. And this cycle continues, straining on our self worth. The “negativity bias” confirms this very thing. Negative thoughts, feelings and emotions effect us more strongly then positive thoughts feelings and emotions. An example of negativity bias is being told 10 positive things and 1 negative thing… yet you dwell and stew on the one negative thing 3 x as long as the 10 positive things. It is my belief that we dwell longer and harder on the ‘better then me’ comparing for the same reasons.
Another trap our mind can set, is when you have set out for a big goal –let’s say it is the kind of goal people will laugh at. The kind of goal you have kept buried because it seemed too big and ridiculous to strive for. If we are comparing to others around us, we may downplay our goals. We may say, ‘what makes me any better then that person’, or ‘Who do I think I am to strive for that goal, Susie was always way better at xyz then me and she never ‘made it.’ I think Ill just shove that goal back down… all these other people seem to be getting on just fine… who am I to push the envelope. Who do I think I am?’
Both of these ‘less then’ comparisons keep us small. With the first example, the feeling of being ‘better’ is only temporary. We inflate the ego just enough to burst it the next time we jump on the ‘better than me’ comparison train. With the second example, we downplay our goals by comparing our dreams of success to those around us who have either reached for a goal and failed OR appear happy and content living a similar life to us… so why try and fail… eek… OR maybe this should just be enough, so why try for more.
Comparing to Oneself
When first pondering this topic, I thought comparison to ourselves should be a good thing –or at least better then the top two examples. However, I have come to believe it may cause the most suffering. When we compare to the self of yesterday—Or compare the self of today, to that of the future self, we pull ourselves out of just ‘being’. (Go back and read that again… it is a mouth full). I initially thought this would be a healthy thing. What is wrong with comparing to the person you were yesterday and expecting more? Or comparing to the future ‘you’ and striving to become it? The problem is… we are human. And we have good and bad days.
For example, one week I feel like a rockstar, I get shit done, I wake up early, I knock out my to do list, I work out each day… I am on fire. But the next week I may be tired or exhausted, I may be about to get my period and therefore feel a bit raw and emotional. I may want to sleep in, or order take out. I may not get my work out in each day. So in this example, the week I am feeling great, I may look back at my past self the week before when I didn’t get as much done and think ‘Why cant I be this way all the time? I was sooo lazy last week?‘ This thought and self talk brings on feelings of shame… feelings of less then… And that is the week I was a Rockstar!! So now jump to the week of feeling down and out, feeling tired or exhausted. The self talk can become increasingly more destructive; ‘I should really be getting more done. Why am I so tired? How did I only accomplish 1 thing on my to do list… bahh Im so lazy, I suck, I am a shitty mom etc….’
Comparing yourself to the person you were in a ‘good’ week will make you feel less then, bring on feelings of hopelessness and cause unnecessary suffering.
“Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.”
Jon Acuff
So what can we do about it?
When we compare to others as either ‘better then’ or ‘less then’ or compare to our future or past self, we force ourselves out of acceptance of the present moment. Acceptance of our selves just as we are. This does not imply we can’t reach and achieve goals or that we can’t strive to work on ourselves. It simply means we must do so with compassion and honor to the person we are Right NOW, in this present moment. We must allow ourselves to be fully ourselves. Flaws and all. Accept it. Love it. Then move from there. Progress and growth always start with us. A relationship with ourselves. Progress and growth starts with giving ourselves permission to ‘go for it.’ If the ’you’ in your head continues to bench you every time you jump into the game and yells,
‘You suck, why are you trying so hard anyway, you will never succeed, all the other players are way better then you,’ progress and growth will be far more difficult to achieve.
Be your own cheerleader. Imagine that voice in your head sends you out on the field and cheers ‘You got this, you can do it, you are strong.‘
I will leave you with this. Imagine running a race… you are in the lead. As you approach the finish line, you look back at the other runners to compare how well you are doing. In the act of turning your head and looking back, you trip and fall. The runners behind get closer and before you know it, your impressive lead is now gone. The person behind you has passed you. As you get up and brush yourself off, swearing under your breath, you realize you were never running the same race at all… each lane was designed specifically for you and only fits you in it. Your destination, your finish line is still in tact… your goal is there, keep running for it… but for god sakes stop staring at everyone else around you, it will only slow you down… or worse, stop you from running at all. You got this, you are strong. No one else is like you. Stay in your lane, don’t look back, don’t compare. This life is a beautiful one, don’t let anyone else’s success, blunders, wins or losses tell you otherwise.
Self Reflection
- What do I do more, ‘better then me’ comparing or ‘less then me’ comparing.
- Have I ever stopped doing something in the past due to ‘feeling less then’ ie: Dance class, guitar lessons, sports group, creative expression.
- Have I ever made a decision to NOT do something based on a feeling of unworthiness? ie: applied for a job, submitted an article, sang karaoke.
- What would my world look like if I stopped comparing to those around me?