Well, unless you have been living under a rock (which sounds kinda great actually), you have likely noticed the undercurrents of unrest, division and mistrust that are rising to the surface. We have become a society that will sooner choose to hate another rather then understand another. And as such, I have heard of friendships and family ties being tested a lot right now. As I witness the world around me, I wonder, is there a way to be in disagreement and still find love? I truly believe the answer is yes. We cannot and should not just surround ourselves with people who think exactly like us. This is not conducive to growth and learning. Being around people whose opinion differs from your own is such an awesome opportunity to practice patience, learn something we may not have considered or simply debate a topic we are passionate about.
First off, my experience with having tough conversations comes from having family that I love dearly and also find myself disagreeing with on a regular basis. Because I value our relationship, I have had to learn to hold discussions that get heated at times and still find love for that person at the end of it. I have heard many stories where families have been torn apart because they couldn’t see eye to eye on very tough issues and although I acknowledge a need to create space when relationships become unhealthy or toxic, I encourage everyone to open their minds and hearts to truly hear one another. I believe if we can practice this, the world will be a kinder more understanding place.
Why am I writing this?
I was recently at a friends house when the topic of vaccines and mandates came up. My views differed from theirs. I felt myself start to get warm. I felt heat rising from my belly up into my throat. I felt an urge to spew out my opinion and force them to consider it, but I also knew that wasn’t going to lead to a constructive and respectful conversation. I wanted to state my views in a way that could potentially lead to discussion, not just awkward silence. Here are some strategies I find helpful during these kind of scenarios. I hope they help you too.
Quick note: these tips are mostly geared for face to face interactions or maybe a phone call with a person you have an established relationship with. They are not necessarily intended for the the Facebook comments section, or the acquaintance you run into at the grocery store. The intention here is to maintain a relationship. It is hard to ‘play nice’ when you are disagreeing with someone you don’t know and maybe are only typing responses too without ever needing to see or talk to that person in real life. With that said, I believe we could put many of these practices in place even in fb comments to create a kinder social media space.
1. Are you in the right place?
Both mentally and physically… check yo self before you wreck yo self. Where are you? Is this space appropriate for this discussion? If you are picking up your kid from daycare and another mom starts discussing a hot topic while kids are running around, maybe this isn’t the time or the place. Are you in the right frame of mind? In my experience, if you are tired, grouchy, already had an emotional day, found out bad news etc… now might not be the time for this convo. Be honest in both cases. A simple, “You know what I don’t think I have the mental capacity to go there right now, what are you up to this weekend?” should suffice. Changing the topic to something more neutral helps!
In my initial example at my friends house, I felt like the setting was right and I was in a good frame of mind. I was prepared to have the discussion mentally and physically.
If you are in a good place physically and emotionally, carry on to #2.
2. Set an intention.
What is your intention for entering this discussion? So often we enter a tough discussion with the intention of being right. I believe this is the foremost error in how we communicate. We speak to be heard, we express our point of view because we want everyone to agree with us and if they don’t agree, we express our point of view to make them change their mind and see where they are wrong.
The next discussion you enter, regardless of conflict, enter it with the intention to understand, rather then the mission to be right. Truly listen to what they are saying, put yourself in their shoes, try to experience their perspective… this does not mean you have to agree with it, but you certainly can try to understand it.
In my example with my friend, my initial reaction was that I wanted to state my point of view- this is often where we start and is helpful in many discussions. However, if we also set the intention to really hear and understand the other side, we become more open and relaxed and offer an example for them to do the same.
3. Be aware of your physical reactions.
Your body will help guide you. It is often the first warning sign that you are feeling triggered. The first step is noticing and feeling this. This will almost certainly happen during a tough conversation, especially when you are being questioned about your own views. If you start to feel triggered, take a moment to pause, take a breath, and try to pinpoint what was said to make you react that way. Awareness is key, once you are aware, your mind shifts to a conscious state and brings you into the present moment. That leads us to #4
4. Allow space before responding
This is so much easier said then done. So often we are just gearing up a response, a rebuttal, a jab that the other person won’t expect– the final blow to end the conversation. Instead of constantly trying to be 2 steps ahead and eagerly waiting to respond try actively listening, become fully present in the conversation, allow yourself to fully hear the other persons side. Then prior to responding, allow space. This will look like silence, but will help you really process the words you heard and speak with intention. This and #2 go hand in hand.
In my example, I found myself consciously checking in with my physical response and allowing space prior to responding so my body could regulate. I found when I did this, it allowed my words to flow, and I didn’t have the aggressive tone that can sometimes come across when we get riled up.
5. Add humour
If things get too heated and you start to feel a disconnect from your friend or family member…ADD SOME HUMOUR. Crack a joke, make fun of yourself, whatever you do, just insert some silliness. This helps to ground you and bring you back to your true relationship. You are not this conversation, you are friends or siblings or whatever… humour reminds us of who we really are to each other. Maybe you crack an inside joke that is personal to just the two of you. Re create that bond in a moment of tension.
In my example, this was a lifesaver… I used this technique at the beginning of the conversation by saying something like “wow, this is a record, it only took us 15 minutes to get into this topic.” I said this with a lighthearted tone that illustrated I was just joking and not irritated. Later on, I used humour again and it actually signaled an end to the discussion for the time being. My husband and I also routinely use humour when things get tense, we will tease each other or make a funny face. Try it next time things get heated.
6. Don’t make it personal
You are not your opinion. Your opinion about something makes up one fraction of you, just like the opinion of your friend makes up one fraction of them. They were still your maid of honor at your wedding, or the person you cried to when you lost your dad, or the person who held your hand as you gave birth to your child… THEY ARE NOT THEIR OPINION, AND YOU ARE NOT YOURS!
7. Last but not least, lighten up!
When the difficult discussion has run its course, lighten things up and chat about something you both aligned on. Pull it back around to your love of dogs, or parenting or your favorite Netflix series. Remember all the things you have in common. If you feel like it is required, circle back in a few days and check in. Maybe thank them for being willing to talk to you about something so hard and remind them of why you are friends in the first place.
In my example we moved on after the initial tensity had lifted. We caught up about regular everyday things. I think had either of us gotten mad and stormed off, the relationship would definitely have a small fracture… sure it could be fixed, but I think using the opportunity to lighten the topic helps secure the relationship.
Go try it out!
Hopefully with each challenging or heated discussion you have, you get better, stay calmer and present your ideas more clearly. It takes practice. If you truly value the friendship and the value is reciprocated, you can handle these discussions with care and mutual respect. If you find yourself feeling attacked, or your friend is not honoring the mutual respect your friendship deserves, it is also okay to take a break and give space. Share this article with them, maybe they could learn a few pointers.
Remember you are only in control of you so stay strong, be kind and pause before you speak.
Thanks for reading. Let’s stay connected, follow me @my_midlife_moments on Instagram. I’d love to hear your feedback and comments. Did you try any of these tips… did it work? did it go terribly awry? I want to know.