self refelection – My Midlife Moments

Intro

During the last several months I have found myself focussing on a number of different topics. Usually these topics involve pieces of me that no longer serve me in a positive way; parts of me I am working through and want to let go. I had initially wanted to call this blog ‘Letting Shit Go’ to encompass my self growth since turning 30. It seems all I am doing is unpacking all the items that have been jammed into my hypothetical suitcase and Marie Kondo’ing the shit outta it. “Does this particular belief bring me joy?” I hold it close for a moment and if it gives me the icky feelings it’s time to toss that shit out. There is no recycling or thrift storing… I am trying my hardest not to put it out on the rug so my kids can pick it up and toss it in their suitcases… I am trying to let some shit go.

Comparison has been one of those things I’ve been holding closely. I’ve been trying to figure out my relationship with. Does it serve me in a positive way?
My answer is…. no. And I invite you to take in this topic and see where you land.

I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 major forms of comparison in our lives. Comparing to those who appear ‘better than’ us; comparing to those who appear ‘less then’ us; and finally comparing ourselves to our past or future self. Please note that I use the words ‘appear’, because when we get caught up in comparison we make up an artificial story about who we are comparing to. What we see is never the full story. Chances are that many people you hold in the ‘better then me’ category, may hold you in the same category for different reasons.

I have also come to believe all forms of comparison lead to a similar result- a feeling of inadequacy; a feeling of unworthiness; a feeling of ‘never enough’.

I started thinking and writing about judgement a few months ago. When I first came up with the idea of this blog, I wanted the main theme to be “letting shit go.” I wanted to focus on all the emotional baggage, social concepts, limiting beliefs, cultural constructions, false beliefs – that hold us back from our true selves. I wanted to write about my own process of letting all this stuff go and work through it, because truthfully, after almost 34 years revolving around the sun, I am just now starting to awaken to all the bull shit we are fed. I am just now starting to see it for what it is. BUT… it has taken a lot of self awareness and inner work to get to where I am, and I am still working on it daily.

When I first started to think about judgement and sit with it, I thought this was a piece of me I wanted to “let go.” I wanted to STOP judging people. I thought if I could stop judging others, I could reduce my ego, become more caring, more empathetic and all those gushy things we strive for. The funny thing about this, is that about 2 years ago I probably would have described myself as NON JUDGEMENTAL—I wore it as a badge of honor – It was a symbol of how GOOD I was— I now realize my ego came up with that horse shit – The same way my ego tunes in when I judge a person or situation in order to somehow ‘elevate’ my self. To make myself feel better in that moment.