I started thinking and writing about judgement a few months ago. When I first came up with the idea of this blog, I wanted the main theme to be “letting shit go.” I wanted to focus on all the emotional baggage, social concepts, limiting beliefs, cultural constructions, false beliefs – that hold us back from our true selves. I wanted to write about my own process of letting all this stuff go and work through it, because truthfully, after almost 34 years revolving around the sun, I am just now starting to awaken to all the bull shit we are fed. I am just now starting to see it for what it is. BUT… it has taken a lot of self awareness and inner work to get to where I am, and I am still working on it daily.
When I first started to think about judgement and sit with it, I thought this was a piece of me I wanted to “let go.” I wanted to STOP judging people. I thought if I could stop judging others, I could reduce my ego, become more caring, more empathetic and all those gushy things we strive for. The funny thing about this, is that about 2 years ago I probably would have described myself as NON JUDGEMENTAL—I wore it as a badge of honor – It was a symbol of how GOOD I was— I now realize my ego came up with that horse shit – The same way my ego tunes in when I judge a person or situation in order to somehow ‘elevate’ my self. To make myself feel better in that moment.
I have come to realize I ‘judge’ quite often. I was a little horrified when I first tuned in to how often I judge. My first reaction to this realization was to get upset with myself— “How dare I judge that human” or “Oh shit here I go again getting judgy, I’m such an asshole”.
I am currently in the process of trying to STOP the negative mind stream that is the result of catching myself in judgment. Instead I have decided to simply observe the judgment—without judgement. I try not to attach any thoughts to it. I try not to shame myself for judging. Instead I try to sit in the moment and become curious.
“Huh, why did I just have that thought? What is it about what that person just did that caused me to react in judgement?”
I’ve come to realize through this exercise ALL of my judgements are based on my own fears. Fears of not being a good mom, fears of not being attractive or worthy of attention, fears of being seen as unhealthy, fears of poverty, fears of greed, fears of…. YOU Name it.
For example: Let me set the scene. I bring my kiddos to the playground and there are several other children playing. Their parents are scattered around the edges, iphones and androids in hand. Eyes cast down while their children play. The sound of tiny voices shouting out requests: “Mommy, look at me.” “Dad, come push me on the swing,” “Look what I can do” (Insert MAD TVs Character Stuart). Parents attention briefly transitions from their phone to their children. “Way to go Timmy,” “I’ll push you in a bit bud,” “Wow that’s great.” Attention quickly returns to swiping, texting or whatever else may be occupying their attention. It is easy to judge this situation. To look at the parents and think, “Poor kids, hopefully they get more attention at home.” Here is the thing, when I dig deeper and look past my initial judgement, here is where my mind takes me.
It goes from initial judgement (usually the harshest) to making adjustments- “Well maybe they are exhausted and just need a minute to themselves” OR “Maybe they are working from home and attending to important messages.” It doesn’t take long before the finger points to me—“I hope no one judges ME too harshly when I do that.” Because I have done this. I have been that parent who just needs a fucking minute to do something mindless, or to respond to a text… and I do it while my kids are hollering for my attention – because let’s get real, aren’t they ALWAYS hollering for attention. Lastly, the deepest realization presents itself—I then question my own tech addiction and start wondering how it may affect my life and my kids. This eventual leads to action or working on my OWN behaviour. JUMP to my Digital Detox, click here to read up on my insights.
ALL of my judgements are a direct reflection of my own shit. My judgements have ZERO to do with the person on the receiving end. How could it possibly have to do with someone I don’t even know. And even if it is someone I know or perhaps love on the receiving end of judgment; I am not in their skin, I do not have the full story, I can’t possibly see the full picture. Even knowing all those things, I can’t stop this automatic judgement. So, rather then trying to rid myself of judgement entirely, I am working to turn it into a tool. A self reflection tool that can help me learn and grow.
When we start to become curious and ask questions around our judgments of others, we can begin to explore the truths of ourselves. We can dismantle the fears that control us and work to become more authentic, aligned and fully present in our lives.
Reflection:
- Think of one situation you found yourself judging someone for a certain behaviour.
- Dig further, why did that behaviour trigger you?
- Be honest, is the behaviour/ action you judged, something you yourself do… Or have fears of doing… Or have fears of someone ‘thinking’ you will do that or have done that?
- What kind of action can you now take in your own life?