You know all those photos and stories you DON’T share on social media. The ones you think people will see then judge and criticize. The ones that make you feel like a fake. The ones that shatter your perfect online social media image. For example, pictures of you serving your kids kraft dinner and hotdogs for dinner when you generally consider yourself a health nut; Or lounging all day watching movies (in the summer) when the rest of your photos are of hiking and camping adventures, or diving into a bag of potato chips, then coming up for air and discovering you ‘accidentally’ ate the whole bag, after you just announced your low carb diet.
For me, I feel like a phony when- I yell at my kids, eat fast food, sneak a cigarette while out for a girls night, serve my kids a plate of food consisting only of beige colored items, when I drink too much and feel terrible the next day, when I jump on the scale and the numbers don’t reflect what I have been told I should weigh.
Do You Believe the Story You Tell Yourself?
These are just a few examples that make me feel like a fake. How could I possibly be a good mom and yell at my kids and serve them pale foods? How can I possibly consider myself a fitness leader or fit in general if I eat fast food? How can I consider myself healthy and mindful and still fall to temptations like nicotine and alcohol. How can I possible be strong, or motivating or BLAH BLAH BLAH. Seriously, this list is endless.
I’ve come to realize all those things that make me feel like a phony- all those photos I’ve made damn sure don’t end up online, all the things that make me question my place in this world- are actually all the things that make me really human.
So today I choose to let go of the feeling of being a phony. Life is really freaking hard and there is no black and white- no matter how hard we try. We are all navigating in an infinite amount of gray zone and my gray zone looks different from yours- hell,my gray zone shifts day to day- hour to hour sometimes.
Embrace your gray zone. You can still be a good mom and yell at your kids AND make mistakes AND feed them shitty food. You can still be healthy and have too many drinks one night and eat a bag of chips. You can be considered ‘overweight’ or ‘underweight’ and be fit and strong. The key to this is not to believe the story you tell yourself when you feel like a phony. The key is to tell your brain to shut the f- up when it calls you ‘bad mom,’ or ‘Fat’ or ‘unhealthy’ or ‘a screw up’. The key is to recognize the feeling you are having, the words your mind is telling you, and to make a decision in that moment… ‘do I let these thoughts define me?’
Because I know for sure if I had continued to let myself be defined by a number on a scale I would have never made a decision to become a fitness instructor (and trust me, I did indeed let it hold me back for a while). If every time I yelled at my kids in frustration and believed the words ‘bad mom’, I would never bother apologizing to them after the fact, ’cause why bother… I already suck! If I let one night of too many drinks determine my health status… why stop drinking at all… well heck, now I am a drunk too, might as well go ALL out.
We are all constantly trying to navigate ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. We all try to avoid ‘wrong’, but we are actually living between the two constantly. And just because society has fed us an idea of ‘right’ does not make it true.
So with a heavy dose of self awareness, a practicing of self love and acceptance, you can overcome the guilt and move forward, and realize you are just human.
Shame vs. Guilt- Taking the topic further:
Brené Brown is leading the way with her research on vulnerability and shame. In her book ‘Dare to Lead’, she compares ‘Shame’ to the thought- “I AM bad” and ‘Guilt’ to the thought “I DID something bad.” The shame associated with a behaviour can lead us to feeling just down right bad… my thinking is, if you believe something…. you are more likely to make it a reality.
However, if you feel guilty over something, you may choose to redirect energy elsewhere, or change a behaviour. For example, after my most recent visit with a friend in which I drank about 2 glasses of wine too many, I woke up feeling like shit. The next day I decided to go ‘dry’ for the next 45 days… I feel like I am in control of the feeling, I renew my energy… and I don’t go to that “I am a drunk” head space. Self awareness is always key.
REFLECT
- What makes you feel like a phony?
- What image are you trying to live up to?
- What stories and photos do you hide away, and why?
- What would happen if you stopped believing the voice in your head?